Who I Am Hates Who I've Been
by RumpelstiltskinDearie
Summary: Why did it hurt at all? Rumpelstiltskin wasn't supposed to feel emotions like pain, or sorrow, or love. It only caused more heartbreak if he did. She had only been the caretaker of his estate; why did he care so much about her?
1. Chapter 1

**Who I Am Hates Who I've Been  
by Gwin Gold**

-X-X-X-

**Author's Note: **This is a fanfiction based on two things: a song, and the TV show "Once Upon A Time". Specifically, Mr. Gold/Rumpelstiltskin from "Once Upon A Time".  
The first chapter will show the full lyrics to the song, and the second chapter is the actual fanfiction. :)  
So...yes! This is a songfic for Rumbelle. Enjoy!****

-X-X-X-

_Relient K - "Who I Am Hates Who I've Been"_

I watched the proverbial sunrise  
Coming up over the Pacific and  
You might think I'm losing my mind,  
But I will shy away from the specifics...

'cause I don't want you to know where I am  
'cause then you'll see my heart  
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

_[Pre-Chorus]_  
Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.  
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.  
Stop right there. Well I never should have said  
That it's the very moment that  
I wish that I could take back.

_[Chorus]_  
I'm sorry for the person I became.  
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.  
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again  
'cause who I am hates who I've been.  
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.  
Couldn't keep to myself enough.  
And the things bottled inside have finally begun  
To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps  
Synching up to the beating of my heart,  
And I was positive that unless I got myself together,  
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can't let that happen again  
'cause then you'll see my heart  
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

_[Pre-Chorus x2]_  
_[Chorus]_

Who I am hates who I've been  
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me.  
Who I am hates who I've been  
'cause who I've been only ever made me...

So sorry for the person I became.  
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.  
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again  
'cause who I am hates who I've been.  
Who I am hates who I've been.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: **Lyrics will be done in **bold**; flashbacks will be done in _italics_; present times will be done in normal text. :)

-X-X-X-

Hundreds of things raced through Mr. Gold's mind when Belle spoke his name in the woods... memories of a past he had tried so hard to forget...

**I watched the proverbial sunrise  
Coming up over the Pacific and  
You might think I'm losing my mind,  
But I will shy away from the specifics...**__

Rumpelstiltskin stood at the upper window of his castle, watching the sunrise. It wasn't something he tended to do frequently; he only did it when he felt especially pensive.

Like now.

It had been nearly two months since he had heard from Queen Regina that Belle had died. After so long, why did it hurt so much?

Why did it hurt at all? Rumpelstiltskin wasn't supposed _to feel emotions like pain, or sorrow, or love. It only caused more heartbreak if he did. She had only been the caretaker of his estate; why did he care so much about her?_

It was enough to drive a man-or a beast-mad.

**'cause I don't want you to know where I am  
'cause then you'll see my heart  
In the saddest state it's ever been**

Belle tried to put a hand on Gold's arm, but he shied away. He wanted-no, he needed-to apologize, but he couldn't find the words.

"Rumpelstiltskin?" she repeated. "What's wrong?"

**This is no place to try and live my life.**

_Rumpelstiltskin angrily turned away from the window and made his way downstairs. It was strange how emotion could change someone's thoughts so greatly-only a few months ago, he had been proud of his estate. Now it only reminded him of things he wanted to forget._

**Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.  
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.  
Stop right there. Well I never should have said that  
It's the very moment that  
I wish that I could take back.**

_He stopped in his spinning room. His eyes fell upon the wheel first-the accursed thing; it no longer helped him to forget-then they stopped on a spot a few feet away from the spinning wheel._

Rumpelstiltskin recognized it all too well. That was where he had flown into a rage at Belle; because she had kissed him, and he had thought it was all a trick.

Oh, how he regretted that now. How he wished he could take back everything he had said and done that night.

**I'm sorry for the person I became.  
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.  
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again  
'cause who I am hates who I've been.  
Who I am hates who I've been.**

"I'm sorry, Belle," Mr. Gold finally managed to say. That was all he said; all he could think of. His usual eloquence failed him.

What he really wanted to say was, "I'm so sorry for being such a monster to you, Belle. I'm sorry that I changed too late for you to see. I swear to you, I won't ever become that way again. I regret ever letting myself become that way in the first place."

A faint smile graced Belle's face. "It's all right. I forgive you-I already did, long ago."

**I talk to absolutely no one.  
Couldn't keep to myself enough.  
And the things bottled inside have finally begun  
To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.**

_Rumpelstiltskin had done no more deals for several months after the tragedy. All he wanted to do was sit in his spinning room or at the top of the castle, running through his past over and over again in his head, continuously torturing himself._

Sometimes the emotions got too much for him, and he flew into another rage, breaking anything he could find and beating at the wall with clenched fists.

Deep down, though, he knew that that would not bring his precious Belle back. All it gave him were bloody knuckles and a battered conscience.

**Who I am hates who I've been  
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me.  
Who I am hates who I've been  
'cause who I've been only ever made me...**

"You...you did?" Mr. Gold couldn't believe it. She _forgave _him? It was hard to believe, but then again, Belle had always been a selfless, kindhearted woman-at least, she always had when he had known her.

"Of course." She smiled again, reaching out to take his hand. This time, he didn't flinch back.

Mr. Gold felt tears sting the corner of his eyes. "Thank you...thank you so, so much..."

Belle pulled him into an embrace, and this time he didn't fight back. His Belle had given him a second chance, and he would make the most of it.

-X-X-X-

**Author's Note: **I hope you enjoyed this! I know I didn't use the whole song, but some of it was repeated, and some of it I couldn't figure out how to fit in. :)


End file.
